SOMEONE...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
~Neil Gaiman

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”
~William Hutchinson

“I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time.”
~Calvin and Hobbes

“Excellence can be obtained if you:
...care more than others think is wise;
...risk more than others think is safe;
...dream more than others think is practical;
...expect more than others think is possible.”
~Anonymous

“Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.”
~Leon Joseph Cardinal Suenens

Random thoughts:

Relationships CAN end on a good note, and continue in a decent fashion. That makes me pretty happy.

Running is awesome. I'm going to do well this XC season. I'll train like I'm second and race like I'm first.

It's a pity I can't go back to Blue Ridge next year...unless I'm able to go as a member of staff...probably not fast enough though :/

Hollister clothes are expensive, but look cool.

I'll have to practice dancing in my room to music from 99.5 so I don't look like a moron at the next dance I go to!

My sis is home! We NEED to finish Harry Potter ASAP.

I want to learn how to cook well...and not just bake, COOK.

...wow O.O

It's Spring Break. After going on a four day hike in the Appalachian Mountains, I think my head is a bit clearer.

my main focus has shifted from School and my relationships to something bigger, myself. If I can focus on my own problems and maintain the successes I already enjoy, I'm sure that every other worry in my life will fall into place.

There are 4 areas where I need to improve. From easiest to fix to hardest they are:

1. Organization- my life, room, schoolbag, abilities, thoughts, and relationships are a mess. By straighting out the different parts of my life and devoting time to each, I can maintain a successful and happy life.

2. Health and Fitness- I am such a slob and a lazy toad :P Really, I am dehydrated all the time, never have a solid workout, slack off, etc. next year, A-team is my goal, that's not going to fall in my lap.

3. Work Ethic- Every day, I get home from school, sit down at my computer and IM people for hours. I may enjoy it, but I am exhausted and behind in my work because distractions are always taking my away from my work. Focus should improve my grades, relationships, and my knowledge, both of myself and the world around me.

4. Socialization/Charisma- I am shy, and I can never keep a conversation going. I seem to have this phobia of what other people think and how I am displaying myself. Why should I display anything but myself? The key here will to be to be who I am and be able to talk comfortably to people, join in with group conversations, etc.

So that's it.

I'll make another blog to track my progress.

I have these funny emotions spinning around in my head, now, over a month after...well that.

I want desperately to move on and forget (but obviously I have no aged teacher to touch the back of my head and help me out). Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I want to show that I have moved on. Whatever it is, it is constantly nagging at me in everything I do, and I sincerely hope that it is not influencing my current decisions. If they are, things can't go farther that 4am on April 28th, 2007.

I Love running.

Interestingly enough, it took me a day to read the second half of a book that I have been reading for a month. My problem was not in a lack of a willingness to read, but in that I placed so much importance of reading it, that I had to have all my work done, had to be in bed, had to have showered, had to have everything set up for the perfect reading environment, just for me to open it. I felt that that way, I could read it and allow the words to "sink in" and I'd get more out of the book. that is what I have done with books my whole life. Today though, I decided to finish it, and I read on the bus this morning with a flashlight, in Accounting, Design, French, not English (I wouldn't be writing this if I had) on the bus ride home and on my bed until it was finished. Throughout the day, I came to points of the book that I recognized, such as a green shirt with the words "Happiness is a full tank" on it or the nursery rhyme "row row row your boat." It made me wish I'd read it two months earlier.

A few days ago, A weird realization came over me! I was thinking about school and how it has basically ruled my life for the past 10-11 years (and especially how miserable I am when I mess a project up >.<), and then I just accepted it as only one part of my life and decided to distribute my time and effort more equally to all parts of my life.

For now, there is nothing really to do but to smile and chat and be friendly, and pretend I'm blissfully happy. Who knows, It might come true.

Everything is a cycle:

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Girls have picked them every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young girls gone?
Taken husbands every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young men gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the young men gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the young men gone?
Gone for soldiers every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Gone to graveyards every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Where have all the graveyards gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the graveyards gone?
Covered with flowers every one
When will we ever learn?
When will we ever learn?

I really am an idiot. Why would I, after having my world shattered once, go back for a second try? Twice now, I've gambled away my happiness and my life on a relationship that was doomed from the start. They might have seemed so wonderful at first, but it neither was worth this. Not in the slightest. I don't know if either of them cared how I felt when I said goodbye, but I know that I'll never give someone the power to tear my world apart. Not again.

Trust isn't enough. My feelings are too precious, I wont risk them again.

Well, I'm not experiencing a pleasant feeling at the moment.